MONSTROUS AND TERRIBLE TO BEHOLD PTSD is a complicated beast. As with any victim, trauma refashions how one responds to stress. Those pathways compromise immunity and establish a more conducive environment for illness.
Due to my own PTSD over the past 5 years, my body has addressed six autoimmune diseases, cancer, and finally tremendous uterine bleeding. In January 2021, I had a very difficult hysterectomy.
I came to terms with this ahead of time but still mourned the loss of what felt like my womanhood. I was not however prepared for the bottoming-out depression I fell into after the surgery. I rode the wave of uncontrollable crying and despair for months. I spoke to my physician, a young, woke woman who I thought might understand. She reacted with surprise and told me this was not normal but not related to the recent surgery. I was hysterical but never what it suggested to look deeper into the hormonal upheaval my body experienced. Instead, it was suggested to be a different isolated issue.
I felt dismissed. I have one body with multiple systems that work together for overall health. How could they be isolated? I thought I could not be the only one and then researched what happened to me. I uncovered the disparity of research around women’s health and women’s medical care, thanks mostly to Maya Dusenbery’s book, Doing Harm (but there are several others). I now understand there is a tremendous medical bias around the care and research of women's health.
The piece is entitled ‘Monstrous and Terrible to Behold,’ a quote attributed to Edward Jorden, a physician, in 1603. The work itself is about understanding the complexities of this problem… and the larger issue, which does not recognize that abuse is a life sentence. After all, it can be argued that had I not experienced abuse, my immune system would have been stronger. Now, being in my body is labor.
The performance takes place on the floor. In a hospital gown, I lay connected to my own bodyweight of onions and begin to pick them up from between my legs to peel them. The performance is repetitive, even monotonous, however, it extends long enough that I begin to tear up and cry making the task difficult to complete. The performance was designed for the camera and therefore, it is meant to focus on a dehumanized body rather than the person. We only see the face when we begin to understand struggle- blurred focus and wiping of tears.
As the task continues (and becomes more difficult), passages play that explains the history of hysteria (pulled from Andrew Skull’s book, Hysteria: A Disturbing History). Much of this information ties emotional fragility to the uterus and outlines the medical practices throughout history that teach women to fear or feel shame for their bodies. One passage overlaps the other creating a garbled and indiscernible mess of information and the performance ends as it begins- on the floor in a mess of unresolved pain.
DECEMBER 1, 2021: Performance to video
Duration: 4:30 mins
Location: VisArts, Common Ground Gallery; Rockville, Maryland
JUNE 24, 2022: Public performance of Monstrous and Terrible to Behold as part of “Gathering as Praxis: Room to Heal” a tribute to bell hooks organized by Nasty Women Connecticut at the Lyman Allyn Museum, New London, CT duration: 1.5 hour
photos by Adriano Farinella
